Everybody, everybody, everybody get, get, nude, nude

A man in a trench coat and white leather sneaks Double bridged bifocals, comb-over with grey streaks Pencil thin stash, acid wash tapered jeans Describes the guy currently following me all around Filene's You can call it women’s intuition, you can call it queer But I feel his eyes penetrate my inner thighs while I sort through braziers I tried to flag the cashier down hoping to god that she’d intervene But you can’t pry a sixteen year old’s face from her fucking Samsung screen Maybe if I screamed maybe she’d redeem herself but I strongly have my doubts If I was attacked she’d just snap pics for her goddamn Instagram account I'm afraid it may amount to this shady maniac mounting an attack Knocking me on my back with his clammy hand up my crack underneath the discount rack Which I'm now perusing while this stranger dangers oozing so much sleeziness As I'm browsing flannel hes channeling his inner Cosby causing me uneasiness Creepiness is his middle name aiming his camera in my vicinity His photographic mission is a compromised position from a chick like me I saw you standing there In the corner without a care Upskirt shots of my underwear Shoot my derriere and hit share Thought I was all alone Until I smelled your cheap cologne And heard your faint orgasmic moan You and me and your camera phone Creepshots Using some clever conniving trickery Managed to lose the prick taking unsolicited pics of me Amazed I escaped his male gaze, his crazy eyes, and trouser tent Hell bent on keeping creep away made it to the ladies shoe department Pretending to be perusing the fine array of pumps on display Making sure the coast is clear of all creeps before my final getaway To my dismay I'm suddenly approached by one of the motherfucking shoe sales clerks He seats me in a sensibly patterned chair and begins to work His salesman magic on me while I frantically seek an escape Would be great to make it through the day without getting stalked or raped By the creepy photo man who I managed to somehow lose Who was acting like Ted Bundy but looking more like Ted Cruz I grab my shoes and kick the jerky sales clerk in his ugly face Gather my things and spring to the nearest exit out of this place Racing heartbeat as I spot the creep by the gentlemen’s latrine Pacing with a problematic protrusion sticking out his jeans I saw you standing there In the corner without a care Upskirt shots of my underwear Shoot my derriere and hit share Thought I was all alone Until I smelled your cheap cologne And heard your faint orgasmic moan You and me and your camera phone Creepshots I begged the shoe clerk to keep an eye on the loser So I could call the cops to report this potential abuser Now a police cruiser is pulling up to the store Two cops get out and proceed to pummel the creep to the floor I normally abhor the cops but today they are my heroes For beating on this sfacim like Robert Deniro in Raging Bull When he beat the fuck out of Joe Pesci Cracked the creeps skull then booked the bachagaloop for being sketchy Now he’s in jail, bye-bye to all that brought him enjoyment His boss heard the word and promptly terminated his employment Folks are unfriending him on Facebook and his wife is serving papers And his kids are now convinced their dad's some sick serial raper Played a prominent role in ruining this poor bastard's life When in reality he simply was just waiting for his wife His orgasmic moans were actually just irritated sighs And there's no way he was staring with cataracts on his eyes The protrusion in his pants was literally a roll of pennies That fell out his pocket while being beat like Reginald Denny He wasn't really taking creep shots guess I had him all wrong The cops found nothing on his phone but an open game of Mahjong

You smell like tuna, Mrs. Brady

Butter on my popcorn Butter on my macaroni Butter on my pretzel Butter on my fried balonie Butter on my matza Butter on my mashed potatas Butter on my bagel Butter on my Now and Latas Butter on basically everything one can consume My mom was binge eating butter when I was in the womb Yeah I was born a butter baby addicted to dairy Fat like Rerun Berry, hey hey hey soon dead and buried The butter in my body’s like another part of me I’ll mainline butter into all my major arteries Who needs half and half add melted butter to my tea But unfortunately my heart stopped beating temporarily My lifestyle could be considered less than sedentary My doctor said I’ll soon be headed to the cemetery And told me my triglycerides are dangerously high Blood pressure in the sky and basically I’m gonna die It’s vital that I watch my saturated fat intake I will not brake for butter cake unless I want an early wake The doctor must be smoking crack to think that i can quit Ingesting butter for so long my system now depends on it. William Burroughs of butter Brain is curdled and cluttered Shutter to think of eating waffles completely unsmothered Doc said I must begin using a butter substitute But ghee is not for me and margarine just does not compute Butter alternative they say Olivia oh not today No way jose no not Parkay Earth Balance bruh you must be cray Need something to support my saturated fat cessation Something low cal that doesn't require refrigeration Flavor profiles must be fully unmistakable Something like a butter flavored topping that’s shakeable Something that I can carry with me when I’m on the go To sprinkle on my escargo lobster roll and baked potato

I let myself get so fat that I can't fit in my clothes Had to go to Goodwill to buy a brand new wardrobe The song "Thrift Shop" was playing on the store's satellite radio Could that be considered coincidence or is it irony, I don't know Can't rely on my waistband to cover my crack no more Don't wanna be fat no more or listen to Macklemore Before I can begin to build the beach body of my dreams First I must buy pants that are not unintentional skinny jeans Sorted through rows of clothes that somebody's grandfather once wore Until he croaked and his kids donated all his crap to this store Most clothes from the stores collection Contained major imperfections So I shifted my attention To the used VHS section Found films like Caligula, Eegah, Ishtar, Striptease, and Stayin’ Alive Garbage you wouldn't even find in the Victorville Film Archive After sifting through a slew of copies of Jerry Maguire and Heaven’s Gate I was hoping to find a tape to motivate me to drop some goddamn weight Turned down Tony Littles target training, not too sound complaining But Jane Fonda, Jazzercise, Tae Bo, oh no, all looked too draining I finally flipped to Richard Simmons' greatest cultural contribution Sweatin' to the Oldies holy grail of weight loss solutions Feeling good, feeling great, feeling good, feeling great One last attempt at getting in shape Feeling good, feeling great, Richard Simmons' work out tape One last attempt at getting in shape I got all dressed up in my brand new second hand work out clothes I filled my plastic bottle with sports drink made of red dye and glucose Held Sweatin' to the Oldies to my heart, fell to my knees and I sobbed Richard Simmons made millions selling workout tapes to a nation of fat slobs The tapes a welcome addition to my home video collection Unfortunately my new TV has no RCA connection In a total panic perused Craigslist in search of obsolete tv's Found a console set weighing 5000 lbs nearly obliterated my knees Carrying that thing and attempting to tie it on to the roof of my shitty car Bigger than the bank account of Pablo Escobar Wider than the waist band of Roseanne Barr Got it home pushed the flat screen aside so I could slide the old beast in its place Then I broke down and cried when i could not find the vcr in it's proper storage space Could have sworn it was behind the stack of paperwork and tax returns going back several decades And the holiday blowmolds and old outdated software I may need to reinstall someday Then is suddenly occurred to me I lent the VCR to my Uncle Frank five years ago So I showed up at his house and said Uncle Frank where's the VCR but he said he did not know But then he said he may have brought it over to the Sons of Italy once to lend it to a friend And he said let's go down there and see if Lenny's hanging out and, by the way, who are you again I said Uncle Frank remember me I’m your nephew, did you forget to take your medication today You're here to take me away? He said. I said, Hmm, okay I should probably put you back into bed Feeling good, feeling great, feeling good, feeling great One last attempt at getting in shape Feeling good, feeling great, Richard Simmons' work out tape One last attempt at getting in shape Helped get uncle frank back into his bed Drove to Sons of Italy by myself instead The place was straight out of a Scorcese movie set Cigar smoke, old Italian guys sipping Anisette I said pardon me, which one of you fine gentlemen’s Lenny I'm looking for my VCR, which worth a pretty penny But is now a valueless obsolete electronic Kindly locate it once you finish your Beefeater and tonic There's no rush I just kinda need now if you please If I don't exercise I'll get a metabolic disease I'm predisposed to diabeetus as an overweight man So goddamnit need it now look for it when you can Gotta watch a tape Richard Simmons made in '88 For suburban housewives looking to lose weight You know, Richard Simmons the man with short shorts and Jew fro Current recluse former guest on the Rosie O'Donnell Show Must have looked like I had lobsters crawling out my ears Lenny said, listen queer, get your flabby ass outta here I left the club defeated, and as I walked back to my car Curb alert! Someone was throwing out their old VCR Carried that heavy top loading antique like a jerk Got it home hooked it up and holy shit the fucking thing worked But at that point i was too tired to perform exercise Held Sweatin' to the Oldies tight laid down and closed my eyes Feeling good, feeling great, feeling good, feeling great One last attempt, one last attempt, one last attempt, one last attempt At getting in shape

An undead dude moved in next door Undead dude moved in next door Undead dude moved in next door Undead dude He vant to drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood He got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs He drive a van, man A woodpaneled mini van A woodpaneled mini van To drive around his fam Have you ever been invited to a barbecue And quickly realize the main course was you Well that happened to us When that salty undead dingus had over on a summer afternoon The night before the doorbell rang, there was nobody there Only an invite stabbed to the door with a knife It read BBQ with the Count, Coors Lite, weenies, and good times Bring your appetite and, of course, bring the wife We thought what a great opportunity to get to know our neighbors So I made my famous ambrosia parfait My wife, Jude, put together her favorite 7 layer dip And a 3 bean casserole and we were on our way We immediately sensed that there was something wrong When we showed up and there was no one on the lawn But instead the ghoulish guests were all sitting in a circle Out of the sun inside with the shades drawn An undead dude moved in next door Undead dude moved in next door Undead dude moved in next door Undead dude He vant to drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood He got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs He drive a van, man A woodpaneled mini van A woodpaneled mini van To drive around his fam We were greeted by the host and his ghostly wife Whose summer cookout looked closer to a black mass The sangria started flowing , even though it tasted funny Was compelled to keep drinking glass after glass I started to unwind until i asked why the wine Had a strange consistency while going down my throat He said it’s just dry Merlot, sliced fruit wedges and Cointreau And the venous blood of a sacrificial goat I suddenly began feeling queezy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queazy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queezy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queazy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queezy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queazy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queezy, queazy I suddenly began feeling queazy, queazy And then I woke up Next to my wife in bed Nightmares of being bitten up by the undead Must have been a dream All those screams were in my head Never beaten never bitten never blacked out never bled So I got up Walked over to the bathroom sink Ran cold water in my hands Splashed my face and took a drink Then I looked up Suddenly a nervous wreck For in the mirror I noticed two tiny bite marks on my neck An undead dude moved in next door Undead dude moved in next door Undead dude moved in next door Undead dude He vant to drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood, nothing more Drink my blood He got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs, man Motherfucker got fangs He drive a van, man A woodpaneled mini van A woodpaneled mini van To drive around his fam

Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara A good red come with lots of experience That said you need the right ingredients Garlic, olive oil, basil, tomato Fuck with my sauce, you get it worse than Fredo Some folks like to add everything but the kitchen sink But I think that that method of marinara making stinks Oregano or whatever herb you find on the shelf If you add raisins or carrots please kill yourself Plus your pasta's pathetic,under cooked and crunchy You blaspheme the cuisine of the mother country Your fazool is forgettable, rigatoni regrettable And your bullshit brushetta better off rendered inedible As a cook you're not credible, inexperienced amateur Olive Garden wouldn’t even hire you as a janitor In the culinary world you're anything but essential Chef Boyardee and Francesco Rinaldi have more credentials Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara You make marinara like you make love; sloppily So lemme tell you how to make a sauce properly Add some extra virgin olive oil to a pot Turn on the stove but do not let the oil get too hot Madone, and then you chop, some garlic and you pray That it doesn't burn in the oil when you let it sautee If it does toss it away, just start all over, no big deal Cause there’s no room for bitter sauce in a fine Italian meal Then you peel your tomatoes or what the fuck just use canned Red Pack or San Marzano, it don't matter what brand, no You aint making Piselli Don't wanna see you put no peas in Just add salt and pepper and sugar to season Yeah I said sugar you're really showing your stupidity It's not to make it sweet it's to lower the acidity Finally add basil unless there's something wrong with you Stir it up, simmer it on low heat for an hour or two Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara Makin marinara, we’re makin marinara We're makin' marinaaaaarrrraaaaaa

Kill yourself