I let myself get so fat that I can't fit in my clothes
Had to go to Goodwill to buy a brand new wardrobe
The song "Thrift Shop" was playing on the store's satellite radio
Could that be considered coincidence or is it irony, I don't know

Can't rely on my waistband to cover my crack no more
Don't wanna be fat no more or listen to Macklemore
Before I can begin to build the beach body of my dreams
First I must buy pants that are not unintentional skinny jeans
Sorted through rows of clothes that somebody's grandfather once wore
Until he croaked and his kids donated all his crap to this store
Most clothes from the stores collection
Contained major imperfections
So I shifted my attention
To the used VHS section
Found films like Caligula, Eegah, Ishtar, Striptease, and Stayin’ Alive
Garbage you wouldn't even find in the Victorville Film Archive
After sifting through a slew of copies of Jerry Maguire and Heaven’s Gate
I was hoping to find a tape to motivate me to drop some goddamn weight
Turned down Tony Littles target training, not too sound complaining
But Jane Fonda, Jazzercise, Tae Bo, oh no, all looked too draining
I finally flipped to Richard Simmons' greatest cultural contribution
Sweatin' to the Oldies holy grail of weight loss solutions

Feeling good, feeling great, feeling good, feeling great
One last attempt at getting in shape
Feeling good, feeling great, Richard Simmons' work out tape
One last attempt at getting in shape

I got all dressed up in my brand new second hand work out clothes
I filled my plastic bottle with sports drink made of red dye and glucose
Held Sweatin' to the Oldies to my heart, fell to my knees and I sobbed
Richard Simmons made millions selling workout tapes to a nation of fat slobs

The tapes a welcome addition to my home video collection
Unfortunately my new TV has no RCA connection
In a total panic perused Craigslist in search of obsolete tv's
Found a console set weighing 5000 lbs nearly obliterated my knees
Carrying that thing and attempting to tie it on to the roof of my shitty car
Bigger than the bank account of Pablo Escobar
Wider than the waist band of Roseanne Barr
Got it home pushed the flat screen aside so I could slide the old beast in its place
Then I broke down and cried when i could not find the vcr in it's proper storage space
Could have sworn it was behind the stack of paperwork and tax returns going back several decades
And the holiday blowmolds and old outdated software I may need to reinstall someday
Then is suddenly occurred to me I lent the VCR to my Uncle Frank five years ago
So I showed up at his house and said Uncle Frank where's the VCR but he said he did not know
But then he said he may have brought it over to the Sons of Italy once to lend it to a friend
And he said let's go down there and see if Lenny's hanging out and, by the way, who are you again
I said Uncle Frank remember me I’m your nephew, did you forget to take your medication today
You're here to take me away? He said. I said, Hmm, okay I should probably put you back into bed

Feeling good, feeling great, feeling good, feeling great
One last attempt at getting in shape
Feeling good, feeling great, Richard Simmons' work out tape
One last attempt at getting in shape

Helped get uncle frank back into his bed
Drove to Sons of Italy by myself instead
The place was straight out of a Scorcese movie set
Cigar smoke, old Italian guys sipping Anisette
I said pardon me, which one of you fine gentlemen’s Lenny
I'm looking for my VCR, which worth a pretty penny
But is now a valueless obsolete electronic
Kindly locate it once you finish your Beefeater and tonic
There's no rush I just kinda need now if you please
If I don't exercise I'll get a metabolic disease
I'm predisposed to diabeetus as an overweight man
So goddamnit need it now look for it when you can
Gotta watch a tape Richard Simmons made in '88
For suburban housewives looking to lose weight
You know, Richard Simmons the man with short shorts and Jew fro
Current recluse former guest on the Rosie O'Donnell Show
Must have looked like I had lobsters crawling out my ears
Lenny said, listen queer, get your flabby ass outta here
I left the club defeated, and as I walked back to my car
Curb alert! Someone was throwing out their old VCR
Carried that heavy top loading antique like a jerk
Got it home hooked it up and holy shit the fucking thing worked
But at that point i was too tired to perform exercise
Held Sweatin' to the Oldies tight laid down and closed my eyes

Feeling good, feeling great, feeling good, feeling great
One last attempt, one last attempt, one last attempt, one last attempt
At getting in shape