Please, Tell me a bit about yourself, if you will?
Have no experience or willingness to work or any skill

Where do you see yourself in five years?
cold, broke, hungry, alone with no career

Can you tell me why are you leaving your present position?
Can you tell me what the hell this is the fucking inquisition?

Can you describe a time when your work was criticized?
When I stole so many office supplies a company had to downsize

Tell me something about your last job that you really loathed?
Having to show up on time, well-behaved, shaved, bathed and clothed

What was the last project you headed up, and what was its outcome?
talking the platinum blonde buxom temp into a threesome

What can you do for us that would outshine the other candidates
I’ll supply the office parties with the finest dankest cannibas

Tell me why are you interested in working for our company?
I’d rather have a cancerous inopperable malignant lump in me

During the interview had no clue what was going through my brain for every question given I was livin' on another plane see pre-interview made the snafu of knocking back a few too many cans of carbonated radioactive yellow goo!!

Had too much Mountain Dew before my job interview
knew I was screwed when I had to spew half way through

What would be your ideal work environment?
40 hours spent consuming numerous intoxicants

Have you been on a team where somebody was not pulling their weight?
Typically I am that somebody so, yes, I can relate

Do you think big picture or are you more detail oriented?
I think like Richard Farley but just a hair more demented

On the job what motivates you to do your very best?
Motivation breeds success but for me just leads to stress

Can you give an example of your proudest achievement
Lying that my wife died to take time off for bereavement

How would our team benefit from your knowledge and expertise?

(ugh) Listen, Big Cheese, tell the other interviewees
who think that they are the bee’s knees,
with their liberal arts degrees
that you sent the job overseas or that there’s a hiring freeze
suggest they call temp agencies
can’t you see I’m down on my knees
make me one of your employees
hear my pleas and hire me, please!!!!!

During the interview had no clue what was going through my brain for every question given I was livin' on another plane see pre-interview made the snafu of knocking back a few too many cans of carbonated radioactive yellow goo!!

Had too much Mountain Dew before my job interview
knew I was screwed when I had to spew half way through