I had a paper route when I was a lad
when Michael Jackson was Bad
and Tom Bosley was Glad

it was my brother’s route, had to fill his shoes
he was busy binge watching New Zoo Revue

so I flew, down the street on a banana seat Huffy bike
threw papers with all my might, to be more like Mike

but I was more a Mike & Ike liking punk pre-teen
reading MAD Magazine, watching Teen Steam

the Alyssa Milano, workout video
did I give a shit that it was gender specific? no!

anyway, on the route one day
I made it to the last house on the route, some say

is haunted, but it's just the home of a lone hermit
Old Man Movahill, who hoarded shit with no permit

piled around the property, to the neighbor’s dismay
rusty junk on display, he never threw shit away

HOARDER HOUSE!
some people like to think that it’s a
HAUNTED HOUSE!
but really it is merely just a….

okay, lou and I called up JJ
to see if he could play, in our neighborhood (YAY!)
we wanted to watch T2: Judgement Day
but mom said it was a nice day, go out and play

but butt’s up got boring, so like retards
we said , “let’s play in Old Man Movahill’s back yard!”

we waded through the knee high grass passed the jagged tree
into a yard full of broken down and damaged debris

an old pool full of rainwater and alligators
behind it his collection of antique refrigerators

stacked milk crates full of cable boxes from Cox
a ‘58 Ford Edsel propped up on cinder blocks

dried out fire hazard Christmas trees from holidays passed
weed wackers and lawnmowers hidden in the knee high grass

rusty furnaces beneath a mound of dead Vespa scooters
rows of toilet bowls and piles of obsolete computers

HOARDER HOUSE!
some people like to think that it’s a
HAUNTED HOUSE!
but really it is merely just a….

Lou took a sledgehammer he found behind the shed and Nir-
vana played on a sony CFS in the neighbor’s

yard he hit hard, every last Hummel figurine
they weren’t worth a hill of beans, smashed them all to smithereens

on a mountain of moldy magazines we decided
to play hide and seek and I was delighted

to find a hiding spot behind a wall of console tvs
it was pretty obvious and JJ found me with ease

but he didn't find lou who was hidden quite good
in one of those antique fridges, so we probably should

have looked harder but we got bored, gave up and ran on home
when they found Lou one year later there was nothing but bones

Old Man Movahill was soon arrested, sent off to jail
charged him with child endangerment and gave him the chair

it was my mother's fault, lou would never have died
if she let us watch T2 instead of making us play outside