My girlfriend Jude dumped me and moved out why I’m not sure
she took the dog, the goddamn dishes and all the furniture
now I’m sittin’ in the kitchen without a pot to piss in
thinkin’ about Jude’s vagina, only thing that I’m missin’

I’m also missin’ money since Jude was the bread winner
I’ve been relying on ramen noodles every night for dinner
not one good meal since our domestic problems were first arising
been so long that each day the dog food’s looking more appetizing

I’ve been sleeping on the hard wood floor instead of a bed
Using an old sweatshirt rolled up as a pillow for my head
been Laying out yesterday’s newspaper sections as bed sheets
Thinking “where will I find a bed for free?” the answer: the streets

On garbage day I went up and down every last alleyway
looking for any mattress not stained and rotting with decay
finally found one, dragged it home to once again feel well-rested
how I was I to know this slightly worn mattress was infested ….with

Bed Bugs! Bed Bugs!
There'll be no sleep today!

Was not aware of the severity of the situation
until I woke up to find prominent skin manifestations
itchy blisters from my whiskers down to my tippy-toes
what I did to deserve this discomfort god only knows

bloodsucking freaks between the sheets from that old mattress I found
Should have kept that cursid unkempt cushion there on the ground
I ignored the stain from some strange undetectable source
my act of “urban forage” has become “recycler’s remorse”

I regret the day I liberated this begrimed bed
I was desperate for a place to rest my slumbersome head
got a dreadful bed infested with nests of mites instead
I won’t rest until these festering bed bugs are all dead

I’ll need germ warfare to displace these distasteful invaders
but there is no way that I can pay for exterminators
I got no dough to control this parasitic fiasco
so look out below I’m launching this mattress out the window

Bed Bugs! Bed Bugs!
There'll be no sleep today!

Now I’m back to my uncomfortable sleep accommodations
I’m so paranoid of parasitic re-infestation
i would rather fall asleep and get hacked to bits by Freddy
so i’m tossing Diatomaceous Earth around like confetti

It’s so depressing to be right back in the rut where I started
After Jude gave me major tude and left me l broken hearted
Feeling lonely in the kitchen, looking back reminiscing
It’s actually not Jude I long for it’s the bugs that I’m missing

besides the health hazards those bug bastards kept me company
when I was lonely they were snug as bugs in a rug with me
unlike women I could depend on them always being ‘round
despite the bites those loyal mites had never once let me down

Went on a mission for a mattress that’s completely unclean
to find the most obscenely squalid mattress I’d ever seen
found a particularly putrid one, took it to the crib
waited for the bugs to come crawling back, but they never did

Bed Bugs! Bed Bugs!
There'll be no sleep today!